


The Belber Letters

by glinda4thegood



Category: Supernatural, The X-Files
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Fountain of Youth, Gen, Humor, Letters in a Trunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-11
Updated: 2011-05-11
Packaged: 2017-10-19 06:37:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/198017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glinda4thegood/pseuds/glinda4thegood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who wants to live forever? Hortense deLeon tries to find a buyer for prime Florida swampland.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Belber Letters

**Author's Note:**

> I recently attended an auction where a large black steamer trunk with White Star labels and colorful stickers from hotels all over the world caught my attention. I let myself bid far too high, and became successful owner of a beautiful Belber trunk. When I got it home and inspected each drawer more closely, I found the bottom, deepest drawer had a false bottom hiding stacks of neatly sorted and tied correspondence. Some of the letters go back to the 1800s, although dates continue up until 2008. I have only just begun the process of transcribing the mix of hand-written, typed and laser printed correspondence. The following letters were in one small packet near the top of a pile.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
May _illegible_

Dear Walter Skinner Sir:

I am trying to get the email addy of FBI agent Dana Scully. A close friend has tole me she would be very interested in speaking with me and my family.

Me and paw and Harlette, Harley, Hondo, Harpo, Helen and Hildegarde are proof that our family has been living on land what has the Fountain of Youth on it.

I know most people would whoop and holler at such a notion. But me and paw is going on 125 now,  and the kids range from 110 (that's Harlette) to 77 (Hildegarde). I had to have Paw get snipped, or I'd still be chin deep in diapers.

 But anyway ... I got the papers to prove our claim, and the deeds for all the property. We is sitchyated on some of the finest Florida swampland there is, next to state property and some farm places. The land alone is worth a bundle, what with the dangered animals that live around us. But the real value of the place is in the Fountain.

We talked it over. We don't want to be the only ones what live near forever. Others should get a chance at it.  Our mutual good friend says you could probably swing it with the gummit boys.

 We ain't looking to get rich, just comfortable. Maybe you could drop in here for a visit and we could talk price. In case you got cold feet, I'm writing to another possible interested party whose name we got from a bunch of passing hunters (who took care of the local Skunk Ape problem, no thanks to Uncle Sam.)

Looking forward to hearing from you,  
 floridaswampland at scamyerass.com

P.S. By the way, although our mutual friend claimed he wasn't interested, we slipped him some fountain water in his coffee. The old sumbitch can smoke all he wants now, and the headaches should go away too.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mr. B. Singer,

I hope this letter gets to you. My name is Hortense deLeon. I got your name from a bunch of hunters who put down a nasty Skunk Ape outbreak that was taking liberties with the local farm animals. They said you might know some bigwig college types as would be interested in the Fountain.  
(See attached correspondence to FBI W.S.)

If we don't get no takers on the Fountain, maybe you could let your hunter friends know this place would make a great wild game ranch, as is all the rage Out West right now. We've seen weirder rascals than Skunk Apes round here.

First one interested buys the farm!

Looking forward to hearing from you,  
floridaswampland at scamyerass.com

~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
   
Dear Sir and/or Ma'am:

Thank you for your query about Dana Scully's email address. Now, you do know that under normal circumstances, we're not allowed to give such information out. I do see by your letter that these are hardly "normal circumstances."

Ms. Scully does maintain several email addresses--though you do know she prefers to get micro-cassettes in the mail, envelopes addressed in a childish scrawl. She prefers the danger involved in such a correspondence. She lies awake and wonders if the envelope will tear, if she used enough stamps, or, indeed, if there is a man hiding in the mailbox who will steal the tape before it can ever be mailed. She often wakes up in strange beds and even stranger jammies, wondering who undressed her and what in the world he did with the bug she had shoved in her ample bosom.

 But I digress.

Now, in regards to you, your pa, Harlette, Harley, Hondo, Harpo, Hilda and Hildegarde (my, that section of the baby name book must be worn!), are you certain you wouldn't rather speak to Agent Fox Mulder? Ms. Scully can hardly understand the fear of diapers up to her chin, whereas Mr. Mulder has frequently spoken of Martian babies and their waste removal habits in various essays.

I read through your letter again and I feel I am not swaying you. Ms. Scully is who you requested. I'm sure you know of her reputation of flying off at the slightest thing and leaving her partner dangling. I know, many say that of Mr. Mulder, but I fear his actions are only a cover for the more reprehensible actions of Ms. Scully. We all remember the incident at the tattoo parlor.

As you aren't looking to get rich, I think this situation can benefit everyone. If you're willing to speak with "our" associate, Mr. Frohike, he can properly assess the value of the land and your so-called Fountain of Youth -- though I'd hardly tag "youth" on it, seeing as how you say your family is all over 75. That's not youth, you realize.

I sure can ramble, can't I? Forgive me. Do find Ms. Scully's email address below. Should you have difficulty contacting her, smack our mutual friend in the head and tell him the plan isn't working right.

BTW, your reference to a Skunk Ape stumped me. Mr. Mulder says the term "Bigfoot" or "Sasquatch" is more generally used. He was unaware of any interesting problems in your area.

Agent Dana Scully can be reached at the following addresses:   
dscully at fbi.gov  
 hickebabe at esther.net  
 idiotdujour at 1013.com

Regards,   
Assistant Director Walter _she calls on my private line_ Skinner

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Hortense,

I'm glad to know some of my associates were able to provide vermin eradication assistance. I've seen the pelts, they are very fine. John W. (one of the hunters) says don't hesitate to drop a line here if you have any more trouble.

Unfortunately at this time I don't know of any institutions that might be interested in the Fountain, although I may know of a couple that would be interested in your family.

There is a Dr. Visyak in California who has money to burn, and a penchant for collecting expensive esoterica and skin creams. I believe, from the tone of your letter, you're shrew( _transcription note: shrewd?_ ) enough to deal with her. She's certainly at the top of _my_ list of people I'd like to see buy the farm.

I will forward her address.

If you should locate a working email address for Agent Scully, I would appreciate it if you could forward _that_ to me. Her name has come up in recent conversations with my hunter friends, and I have a few questions.

All the best,  
Bobby Singer

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Assistant Director Walter,

Thanks for your nice letter (?) We dint think the whole idea would cause such a motion.

 Paw wonders why you'd go into such detail over Miss Scully's night clothes and bosom, but I told him to shut up and split some more wood. I seen the look on our mutual friend's face when he described the young lady, and she must be something.

Yes, we is that old, but I've been told I still look at least as good as most of those over-tanned 30-year-olds we get hanging out in the resort areas around here. Why, hell, they wanted Harlette to get in on that Millionaire Marrying Show Thing. She just laughed; Harlette's been married five times already, and fooled around with Bill Clin … but I can't be saying stuff like that to you DC guys.

As much as we appreciates your suggestions, please be aware that Paw has heard them talk about this Fox Mulder down at the Mambo Bar (where Pa will stop in for a brewski once in a while) and he don't sound like a well-balanced person, certainly no one you'd want in on a major real estate deal.

 Nope, I think we'll keep looking for Miss Scully, and Paw says what's this about a tattoo, and where might it be located?

We don't mind talking to this Mr. Frohike, in fact Paw says he might know him from a few years back when we was heavy into a kind of truck farming that paid _real_ good and got us lots of customers and contacts up in your neck of the woods. The Mr. Frohike Paw remembers had a nice little blond friend that always threw up after they'd been ... well now _I'm_ rambling.

Thanks bunches for e-mail addresses.

 As always,   
floridaswampland at scamyerass.com

  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Bobby,

The whole family says thanks a bunch. That Doc Visyak sure is a quick mover, and no piker about forking over the dough. (Paw notes it weren't real gentlemanly of you to mention she likes porn, expensive or not! He thinks shes a real class broad.)

We got a good deal for the Fountain. Paw and me is off on a cruise. The kids are all going to the Big Apple, then maybe abroad.

We never did get hold of Agent Scully, but here's the info WS last sent us.

You take care now,  
deleonfamily at ontheroad.com

  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
 _Thanks and a wave to MissET for transcription of Walter Skinner's letter._


End file.
